Updated: Nov 11, 2018
WEIGHTLINE 065: 86Kg
Two thirds of the way through my 100 day challenge, I feel quite empty. That's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact it's probably as it should be, but it's an unfamiliar feeling. Given that I've spent most of my life stuffing my face & enjoying the comfort of feeling full, I am still acclimatising to this new shell of a body.
The life cycle of our cicadas is fascinating. The female lays her eggs on grasses or trees & cream-coloured nymphs hatch & claw their way about 40cm down into the earth. Underground, they shed their skin several times as they grow. Most species stay there for 3 years or more before burrowing back up and, at night, climbing a tree & shedding their final skin (pictured). The adult emerges with crumpled wings & lives above ground for just 2-4 weeks. All that gestation & effort for up to 4 weeks of life! Why am I telling you about cicadas? Simply because finding that empty shell poignantly reminded me how empty I was feeling. And given that summer weather has finally arrived now that autumn is officially here, the cicadas really are the official soundtrack to summer.
How do you get used to feeling empty, to feeling slightly hungry all the time? One pearl of wisdom that is undoubtedly correct from the dieticians is always get up from the table feeling that you could eat a little more. Well, I feel like that all day now. It's not desperate, but it is a nagging feeling that I have to combat & overcome, especially since it is so unfamiliar. Why else would an empty cicada skin remind me of it? It's sort of like learning to resist & reverse muscle memory feeding actions by really listening to what your body wants instead of your mind. I'm sure as more time goes by I'm going to discover many more different ways my mind can try & trick me into filling my stomach again. I don't think I've ever lost this much weight before or kept to a healthy diet for this period of time before - ever. Scary thought that - which is just another thought & emotion I have to push aside, otherwise what I'm doing might just overwhelm me.
Given that my history suggests after losing weight I can reward myself with a little bit of crap food - that always leads to more crap food - I have to fight to accept, understand & enjoy this empty feeling. Perhaps not quite as empty as the abandoned cicada skin, but that's just how it feels right now…